Friday, May 27, 2005

going home.

I so want to go home. I'm not sure where home is anymore, though. There's a little problem for me.

When we moved "up north" from Texas to Indiana and then to Illinois, I cried for two years. Off and on, more "on" at first, then less and less. I asked God to change my heart, to help me to be content where he put me. That was so hard to ask for. I wanted to be homesick. I wanted to go home, I didn't want to be happy here. I clung to my misery for a long time.

Then I came to a place where I began to see God's hand in this unexpected location, this life I had never planned, this midwestern existence. I became accepting, then even content. I said so often, even when Doug still wanted to go back to Texas. I could see many reasons why God might want us to stay here.

So today we have been "gone" for almost seven years. A long time! And now we have a job opportunity in Texas. This has stirred up some of those homesick feelings. I am pretty sure that I want Doug to get this job. It won't be easy living in Texas again, but I want to go home. But is Texas "home" anymore? It will be different. Nothing stays the same. And I am not the same. In a way, I think I have become "homeless" in my heart.

When I was in grad school, I used to have this t-shirt that said:
This world is not my home
Although it seems to be.
My home is with my God,
in the place he's made for me.
He's coming back real soon,
the signs are very clear.
So when that trumpet sounds,
I'll be outta here!
(Yes, ALL of that was on the back of my shirt.)

This "homelessness" of my heart has made me think more about my heavenly eternal home. This world is so temporary. I guess God really has changed my heart.

I asked for it.

1 comment:

kellicrowe said...

first - the fluff: all that could have been on the front of a shirt and...sadly for me, it still would have been readable...flat things are.
second - I so know what you mean. I cried and pouted and was sad about living where we did the first 3.5 years of marriage. In retrospect - I'm gonna go with it was one of the reasons the first years of our marriage were not so swell. We moved to Va. We moved to Ga. I remembr thinking "this is still not home." My prayer was for God to lead us to other couples who were married and actually happy about it. He did. Not back home in NC either.
third - as I get older and squeak and creak more - I realize just how not meant for this world, this fallen world, we are. As much as I like it here, this is just a blink.
fourth - ok, it is your blog...not mine. Well said.